09 March 2016

Slowly Returning to "Normal"

If "normal" is actually a state that can be achieved. Ha. As many of my followers know, I have since had a baby, her wiggleyness, Adelaide. Born November 3rd, she is now 4 months old. Time flies! Before your eyes even when you have an infant. :)

Adjustment to having a child has been good. It helps that Miss Wiggle is a pretty easy going gal. I have made a for fun blog dedicated to her antics, Our Little Balloon, if anyone is interested. Not sure how often I will update it, but I hope to only provide content if something interesting happens.

Anyhow, since having a baby is now my full time gig, getting time to work the leathers has been slow. However, I have managed to work on a few small projects these last couple months. Most notably a bag order for my aunt. Smaller projects include some deerskin wallets and a neat looking braided bracelet.

find at ceruleanjay.com


I have decided to recommit to slowly working on projects again, so hopefully there will be updates yet again.

That's all for now.

19 October 2015

Update! Still pregnant and being creative just on different stuff!

Hello all! I have been quite remiss in my blogging duties as of late. I have shut down my Etsy store until the baby arrives and have basically just not done much since, so there is not much to report. Planning to do cloth diapers, so I made a few fitted covers and prefolds as well as worked on fixing one of my husbands flannels to have nice looking sleeve plackets (I made the cuffs too tight last time, and the plackets provided too much of a breeze for him in the winter, so I am doing the overlapping more complicated kind this time).

I have also gotten OBSESSED with character creation in inkscape as of late, since it requires no bending over or sitting on the floor which it getting quite difficult with the baby getting so big and all. I have done Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel, and a couple more fun fairy tale theme characters complete with a simple scene for them to live in. Head over to my portfolio to check those out! I am hoping I am slowly becoming a vector art master :) I am hoping to come up with some way to sell these designs in the future, maybe on fabric or making greeting cards or notebooks or something like that. I'll keep you all posted on that as things develop.

Anyhow, I figured I would add a quick line to let you all know I'm not dead, just lazy and pregnant! lol Due the 27th. I am ready though anytime! :) (sorry no pics! Seriously though check out my other blog, and you can get pics a plenty!)

30 September 2015

Leather Laptop Messenger Bag: Weekly Update

Hello everyone!

I have been working on a new bag design this week. It will be very similar to my Artist's Leather Messenger Bag, but this one will be slightly larger and thinner to allow for a laptop computer. Here is my inkscape mock up of how I am thinking the design will end up.


I have started on the prototyping process. Here are a couple pictures of the different versions I have come up with.




I think my husband's favorite part of my business is that he often gets the new products I come up with, and this bag is no exception. I am making it to be the right dimensions for his laptop and cord. Ideally, the final design would be made to order, and I could fit it to the dimensions of each individual customer's laptop.

The biggest challenge so far is to make an attractive looking pocket for the cord to fit in, as it is an awkward sort of thing to put in a bag. My husband insists that he would love for the charger to be in the flap area of the bag so that it it easy to grab when the bag is sitting open, so that is how I have designed it. I am still toying with the option of adding a gusset type piece stitched into the side of the flap (see flap B) to give it a bit more of an area for the charger to fit, or if I should just allow it to sit in a flat pocket (see flap A), where it will likely stretch the leather out a bit over time to create more room if it needs it. Hopefully this picture shows what I mean:



Also trying to decide if I need some snaps or a zipper to keep the pocket flap closed when not in use.



For this particular bag, my husband picked out some really nice 4oz buffed cowhide.



Other than that, I have been looking through some of my shoe listings and trying to update my item descriptions and really trying to think about what it truly important in my products. What makes it unique, what would make customers pick me over other options.

As you may or may not know, I am going to have a baby in the next month-ish, so I have been slowly removing listings, especially those that take a long time to make, in order to prepare for the inevitable break I will be taking from my shop. I will be putting it in full vacation mode probably end of next week or the next, depending on how things go. I am trying to use some of this time to refocus my goals so I can come back strong when the store is back up and running.

Anyhow, I'm supposed to post a link to this post on Facebook in about 4 minutes, so I better be done for now. Tune in next week! (If there is no next week, you can assume I am pushing out a baby or am very busy nesting and you can expect to get an update on that soon as I can!)

23 September 2015

A Moccasin Marathon Success and Leather Boiling Fail: Weekly Update

Hello everyone!

Is is possible that I let two weeks slip away just like that? Apparently it is! Anyhow, here's a recap of what I've been up to the last 14 or so days.

Moccasin Marathon Success

First, let's start with the success, which I managed just yesterday. I made a goal for myself to finish an entire pair of shoes start to finish including the pattern all in one day. I usually work on one project for a couple hours and then switch to another task for a while, but I thought it would be interesting to know exactly how long a pair of shoes takes to make. Now this certainly wasn't ideal circumstances by any means, as I encountered some problems along the way which slowed me down a bit, but altogether it worked out ok. I started around 9:40 AM, and completed them just after 12:30 AM. Don't worry, I took about an hour and a half break for lunch and a break for supper and rejuvenation at the bookstore, so in all, it took around 8 & 1/2 hours to complete one pair of moccasins.

Problems I ran into (in case you were curious) included needing to stop and sharpen my very dull skiving knife, it being difficult at times to see what I was doing since I was working with a very dark colored leather, and working with a cheap awl for some of the stitching.

I bent my nice awl last week and am waiting on the replacement still, so there wasn't much I could do about that. Thankfully my slicing blade awl was still working just fine, so I was able to stitch the soles on easy-peasey as ever. However, I didn't want too big of holes on any of the upper, and so used a crappy awl I picked up from Hobby Lobby's jewelry department. What you need an awl for when making jewelry, I don't know, but I wouldn't recommend the one Hobby Lobby keeps on hand unless you are not going to be poking a lot of holes in one sitting.

I also think I need a good lamp to help with the visibility issues, though it is a little crazy how much more difficult it is to see the darker the leather is. I notice this difference when I do my messenger bags as well.

Skiving Explained

I thought it might be worthwhile to make a little picture to show the skiving process. I skive the edges around the heel bit I add to the back of the shoes for added stiffness, durability and to give it a bit different look than a traditional moccasin style. It is an important step; if you don't do it, it can lead to discomfort while walking because of the ridge it can create where the edge of your foot presses down. It may seem like something so thin wouldn't matter, but believe me, it does! There are lots of other reasons you might skive leather, but this is the main reason I end up needing to do it in my day-to-day activities. So basically, you use a REALLY SHARP knife to taper the edge of the leather from its current thickness to as thin as possible along the edge, making the edge angled, rather than square. The knife has to be razor sharp or this process is a giant hassle, and dangerous too, as it is easy to slip with the knife and gouge your fingers or other nearest body part instead. Here is a picture which I hope sort of shows it visually in an easily understandable way.

 

 

 Leather Hardening

Another project I worked on a bit ago was to heat up some of my veg-tanned leather in an effort to toughen and harden it for soles. My husband and I worked on this project together, and used this tutorial. We only left the leather in for 30 seconds, but we must have done it wrong, because in the end the leather was very brittle and cracked when I tried to bend it. We kept it at or under 180 degrees, so the heat wasn't too high. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them!


Other Projects

Here are some pics of other projects I worked on this week. I made some moccasin boots for a customer, and made a bunch of veg tanned animal cutouts. I also made another messenger bag like this one.


Well that's it for now! I will try to return to a doing weekly update instead of the elongated version, since I think I might have missed some things, and this ended up with a lot of random stuff jammed into it. Happy Wednesday!

09 September 2015

How to Prep your Leather for Stitching Using Leathercraft Cememt

I have now used leather cement a couple of times for holding seams together before stitching, and have found that it works really well, so I thought I would share my method with you all.



I use Eco-Flo Leather Craft Cement, and it seems to work great for this. It is a little messy if you just try to use the bottle to apply, so usually I pour a little out onto a piece of tinfoil or waxed paper and dip a cotton swab into the glue and use it like a paint brush to apply to the leather. This way, there are no drips or excess glue .

What you do is to apply a thin line to the edge of your leather where you want to eventually stitch a seam. I would recommend not making the glue line any deeper than where the stitches will eventually be, so you do not have to rip the pieces apart later. I allowed for a quarter inch seam allowance, so I just made sure the glue was a quarter inch or less into the leather from the edge. Make sure to spread it out so that the glue will not ooze when you squeeze the seams together. I used the cotton swab for spreading and applying glue.
 

Basically, you just continue this down the seam for all of it that you want to glue together. I am leaving the pucker-toe unglued, since it would be too hard to glue an area that will be gathered on one piece and not on the other.



I tried this (gluing the pucker-toe) with Wayne's moccasin boots, and it didn't work out too great. There is so little area you want it to stick in between each pucker that it is very difficult to get even. Thankfully the cement was easy enough to get apart, so it wasn't a big deal, it just didn't help me any in the long run. I instead used the chalk markers to ensure that it puckered evenly along the toe. I placed one hole at each point I had marked with chalk on my pattern and then placed three evenly spaced holes in between each of these holes and this made the pucker turn out great without too much variation along the toe.

Here is how they turned out!


01 September 2015

More Hedgehogs and Boots: Weekly Update

Hello everyone, might sound a bit repetitive, but this week I am again working on hedgehogs, moccasin boots and messenger bags! This week I finished up the screen printing on the messenger bag and delivered it Monday.

created an add design option on etsy
Got a couple orders for the hedgehog key chains, so I made a couple more this week. Also officially have a listing up for the hedgehog key chains. I think the pics turned out super cute. :)

see this on etsy :)

Experimenting with boiling and compressing leather for veg- tanned soles. I have a customer interested in leather soles, and I am wanting to make sure they last as long as possible. I had heard about compressing and hardening leather with water, so I thought that would be good to try out. Wayne (my husband) was very excited about this idea, so he tried placing the leather in very hot water (180F) for 30 seconds and then clamping it with a thin piece of wood we had laying around. It seems much harder now. I hope it will still be flexible enough and not brittle. Apparently if you do it too long it can get very brittle. I will need to purchase a wider piece when I do the real sole.

Also working on a pair of moccasin boots for a customer, and a pair for myself. Made the prototype for the customer, and am hoping to send it to him to make sure the fit is good before making the real thing. I am making a pair for myself to make sure I can scale the pattern well for the smaller female sizes before listing on etsy. The pattern seems fairly scalable, so I am happy about that!

Other than that, I have been going crazy making cute vector images in the hopes of translating them to leather in the future! Have a couple intended for screen printing and a couple for future key chain designs. You can see them if you like at my other blog, Cerulean's Picturebook. I also made some fall themed designs just for the heck of it. Getting excited for the fall!

26 August 2015

Hedgehog Keychains and Moccasin Boots: Weekly Update

Hedgehog Keychain


I am working on a bag for a friend and it was mentioned that the recipient (his lady friend) liked hedgehogs, so I thought I would try to come up with a fun key chain. I am already adding a key hook to the bag, so I thought a key chain would be a nice addition.



He contacted me Monday afternoon interested in possibly a screen printed design on the bag, so here are a couple ideas I came up with!

20 August 2015

DIY Baby Puckertoe Moccasins

Not feeling the tutorial? Buy them instead at ceruleanjay.com
I had a friend ask recently about a pattern for my baby moccasins, so I thought I would try to make a quick tutorial about the general process I go through to make my baby moccasin pattern.

Here is a quick graphic showing how I develop the pattern. It is very similar to my Ojibwe Style Pucker-toe Moccasin tutorial, but scaled down and proportions slightly altered to accommodate those little tootsies! I would probably use this pattern for up to 3 years of age. I would want to get a 3 year old to test the doubling width proportion I am using here before applying this pattern past this age.

19 August 2015

Leather Messenger Bag Project

This past week I created a bag for a former coworker of mine. It is very similar to the one that I made for myself, though I added an interior pocket and buckles to the front. It was very rewarding to add in the zipper, since when you hand stitch everything anyway, zippers are much less a nightmare than when using a sewing machine.

I have been using Eco Flo brand Leathercraft Cement to hold everything together while I stitch on this project and have found that it works quite well for this. It doesn't seem to be the strongest of glues, so I don't think I would use it by itself, but it acts splendidly for keeping things nice and flat and smooth while stitching.

12 August 2015

Developing a Moccasin Boot Pattern using Prototypes Part 2

Last time we had concluded with a prototype to fit the shoe last.


Assuming everything looked good and fit properly, you could conceivably be done at this point. However, my husband decided he wanted a slightly taller boot, so i cut out a rectangle shape and added it to the top.

05 August 2015

Developing a Moccasin Boot Pattern using Prototypes

I thought I would share a little about how I developed the pattern for the current project I have just completed, my Moccasin Boots.

29 July 2015

Weekly Update: Creating a pattern for the Moccasin Boots

Hello all.

Just had the flu for the past two days, so I haven't accomplished much this week yet. I have, however, managed to make a final pattern for the moccasin boots I was working on last week, and am all ready to have a go at the real thing! YAY!

21 July 2015

Weekly Update: Moccasin Boots



So I'm going to try to write a little each week on what I am working on, and any insights I may have gained.

For the past week and a half or so, my husband has been obsessed with the idea of having a pair of moccasin style boots, so that is my project for the week.

15 July 2015

3 Reasons Why Leather Shoes are Better for your Feet

Buy these Childrens Mocs: CLICK HERE

Leather is a timeless, beautiful material that have covered people's feet for thousands of years. However, walking into a store and looking at the price may cause you to pause before making the investment. Is it worth paying extra to get leather? Absolutely. And here's why.

22 May 2015

Measuring your Foot for Purchasing Shoes

Hello there!

I have a fair amount of my Etsy customers that want a custom size when ordering their moccasins. I thought I would provide a quick graphic showing the simple steps for creating an accurate foot measurement.






The easiest way to get this information to me is to email a photo of your tracing in Etsy Conversations. Since you wrote down the length and width of your foot, it will be really easy for me to scale the pattern to the proper size on my end! Otherwise, for those not tech-saavy, they are more than welcome to mail their tracing directly to me, just ask about mailing directions in Etsy conversations.

Hopefully this all makes sense!

06 May 2015

Origami Blue Jay Tutorial

Hello all,

Its been a while...
Well I did something interesting today so I though I would share!

Make your own ceruleanJAY themed origami bird!




20 November 2014

November Projects Book

Hello!

It's been a while. I have been busy working on a new project lately and haven't managed to squeeze in a post in my regularly scheduled program!

I have created a new blog this last week to test out an idea that I have been developing over the past few weeks. 

One of my dreams in life has been to publish a book, notably a children's book, or at the least, an ILLUSTRATED book! I am pleased to announce that I am currently pursuing that endeavor online! Please leave feedback if you can think of any, because I need all the help I can get!

Once I have completed the story, I plan on printing a copy of it for myself, and possibly leaving a copy at a coffee store or two where I know the owners just for the heck of it.

My story is centered around Cerulean Jay, and the scarlet fox she sees in the woods on her walk to school each day. The time period/setting is supposed to be somewhat timeless, a fairytale type reality that could probably exist in some manner or another in real life.

Cerulean Jay is obviously the name of this blog, and the name of my Etsy store (and now also my Storenvy site), and is the brand that I am hoping to turn into a full time gig at some point in the future. I thought it would be fun, however, to delve deeper into the character of cerulean, since I always imagined my brand to sort of have an alter ego of sorts that would help to dictate what sort of products and articles and stories my brand would tell along the way, and this new blog/fairytale tries to do just that.

To start out at a base level. I thought I would share with you the meaning behind the name of this blog, ceruleanJAY, since it was the name of this one that prompted the story.

ceruleanJAY was initially created as a reference to my spirit animal. I met him in the woods one day during a particularly spiritual walk I took while looking for answers to my wordless questions. I found a tree that seemed to call to me, and I decided to climb into it and sit there a while to sit and think on nature. I felt the need to sing, and so I started softly humming an old spiritual, and as I did, I looked up onto one of the higher branches and a blue jay sat there looking at me. He didn't make a single sound, and we just looked at each other, me singing, and he silent. I felt a great connection to this bird and a great sense of peace and calm filled my heart and seemed to burst out of me. I slowly climbed out of the tree and the experience was over. The word cerulean, is a particularly bright shade of blue that I learned as a child when I would read the name on the sides of crayons. Cerulean was my favorite color for the longest time, so it only seemed fitting that the blue jay would take one the most beautiful, brightest shade of blue, and so that is where the name comes from.

So to add tho this base layer, I decided to create the character, Cerulean. Cerulean is a young school age girl who values family, loyalty, and friendship. She is a lover of nature and things with intrinsic value, such as the handmade cloak her mother sewed for her.

I plan to release a small part of the story each time, in the interest of getting the word out faster, and to ensure I don't get too overwhelmed with the project, or am paralyzed by fear the complete work won't be perfect.A little at a time makes for a much easier project!

Now that I have talked your ear off about my book, make sure to check it out! Without further ado, I present the new and hopefully noteworthy: cerulean + scarlet.










10 October 2014

Extra Paintings

Every time I paint pictures for my Etsy store, I have a few that don't quite fit my standards for something I feel is worthy of selling. This last painting flurry was no exception.

Here is one I painted of my beautiful blue Betta. I wish he had turned out with a bit more depth, but alas, it was not to be. I might work on it a little more some time, but more often than not, when I put the paint brush down and walk away from a painting, it is very hard for me to pick up where I left off and continue again. This one might just be worthy though!



The other one is a play off one of my all time favorite paintings Fox and Moon I made last winter. That one was a winter print while here it is a late autumn theme I went for with the big ole harvest moon. I think close ups never seem to work out for me.



Anyway, I thought I would share, because although I probably won't be posting them anywhere for sale any time soon, but I wanted to share them for fun!

Have a lovely evening!

07 October 2014

Getting Started Making Leather Shoes

A friend suggested this post, so here is everything you absolutely need to know to get started with leather shoe making!

Important tools to have

Awl 

If you don't want to cry and destroy your fingers yanking needles through holes, an awl is an absolute necessity. An awl is basically a pointy stick you will use to poke holes in the leather to sew through. Leather isn't like cloth, so it doesn't have holes in the weave to allow a needle through, so you will be making all the holes yourself.

When I first tried making shoes, I didn't buy an awl, and I tried to yank each stitch through using only sewing needles. I bought some cheap ones from hobby lobby and ended up breaking all 5 or six of them on one shoe. Not recommended. Also make my fingers hurt and my arm sore.

There are many kinds you can choose from, I recommend getting one that is not super long, and doesn't have a terrible long handle either. Another mistake I made was buying my first awl from hobby lobby. It was about 6 inches long and was ridiculous to handle at that length. Though a thousand times better than just the needles. 

Needle

Buy leather needles. They are better. Unless you already have needles because you do a bit of sewing sometimes. Then use those. Don't buy fancy ones until you know you like working with leather. They aren't expensive, but why buy something when you have something else that works just fine for a trial run? The leather ones are a little thicker generally, so a little more durable when you need to yank through a hole that is not quite big enough.

Artificial Sinew

I like artificial sinew (waxed, flat lacing)because it is easy to split if needed, is pretty durable, and gives that natural fresh-from-the-forest look I'm going for. Some stuff is more like rope and is twisted. That stuff is fine too, I just don't prefer it personally. The important part is to make sure it is waxed to provide protection from water damage, and to make slippery enough to make the stitching easy. Also don't get cotton, I am told it can degrade over time. Get something good and synthetic that won't decompose on you if it does get wet.

Leather Thimble

You can make this item using scrap leather and your newly acquired awl, sinew and needle.

Vegetable tanned leather is good for protection but not very flexible. I made a short one to protect my thumb with this type of leather.

A thin garment type leather is good for a thin flexible one that will give you a better grip on the needles. I made mine out of 2-3 oz deerskin.

Box Cutter

A razor blade, exacto knife, etc are very useful for cutting out thick sole leather.

Scissors

Good for cutting thread and thinner leather.

Contact Cement

Can hold shoes together fairly well, can be used to glue soles on, or glue them in place before stitching them more securely.

There are lots of other useful tools to have, but these will get you started enough so that you can make a pair of shoes without too much difficulty.

Important things to know about leather

Here are some basic info about leather that may help you when trying to decide what type of leather to buy for your shoes. The first leather I bought was vegetable tanned, and was so stiff I couldn't really make anything practical or beautiful out of it. The second leather I bought was some 2-3oz deerskin that while beautiful and soft, was too thin for my shoe making needs. I finally got it right when I bought some  3-4 oz deerskin.

Ounce/weight

The thickness of the leather is expressed in ounces. Two-three oz leather is usually pretty good for making clothing, but will require a lining if it is to be used in shoe making. Anywhere from 3-5 oz leather is a good range for a lightweight leather for shoes, though keep in mind they might stretch a bit at this weight, especially if it is deerskin. When it is more in the 5-6 oz range, the leather is a bit thicker, and is what I am using now to make moccasins. The ones I made for myself are 3-4 oz deerskin, and my new stuff is 5-6 oz cow hide. Both seem to be good for moccasins, and I think the stuff I have now would be good for making leather work boots and the like. Slightly less flexible, and slightly less stretchy than the 3-4 oz.

I buy thick stuff for soles, anywhere from 8-12 oz cow hide. Vegetable tanned leather also works if you want a thin sole that will develop a patina and wear pretty well indoors and outdoors on grass (not sidewalks and other concrete stuffs).

Cow hide vs deerskin etc

deerskin BABY MOCCASINS!
In my experience, deer, and deer-like animals (I have also gotten elk) seem to have very soft, velvety, and stretchy hides, while the cow tends to be thicker, stiffer, and a bit less stretchy. 


Tanning

Vegetable tanned-
Results in a stiff leather, not recommended for shoe making unless I suppose you wanted to use it as heel stiffener or something like that.At least the stuff I bought so far.

Brain tanned-
Very wonderful, soft flexible leather. It is a difficult process to tan a hide this way though, and so is more expensive. Makes excellent soft, flexible boots and moccasins that are wonderfully warm and cozy. This is the traditional way leather used to be tanned in the old days by Native Americans.

Chemical tanned- lots of leather is tanned by chemicals. Sometimes this bleaches the skin, so that it can be recolored with dyes. Depending on the type of leather and thickness it can be good for making shoes. Much cheaper and faster to produce. This is a lot more complicated than just "chemical tanned" and there are many chemical methods, but this is enough info to get you started. I would probably buy something chemical tanned the first couple times so you don't waste too much on brain tanned. Also it is much easier to find.

Type of grain

Grainy-
Original grain of the leather left on, a more natural look. The grain would be the part that is on the outside of the animal, where the hair would grow out. Full grain means that the hide has not been split into thinner sections and top grain. It originally meant it had the original grain on it, but now could mean that a grain was printed onto one of the split pieces

Suede-
Leather that has been split, or the grain has been taken off. Velvety look and feel.

Buffed-
The grain has been buffed off to produce a suede. Could also mean that the leather has been rubbed smooth to bring out a shine to the leather. I am currently using buffed cowhide to make moccasins.

Important stitches to know

Whip stitch-This stitch goes around and around always entering the leather form the same side. Is a good way to finish edges in cloth, but it also allows leather to flatten a but better, so Is good for sewing soles on turn shoes, so there isn't a seam to step on. Better if you are planning to add a sole to the bottom, as whip stitches are visible and would come into contact with the ground and wear quickly.

Running stitch- Just a straight stitch, up and down, from both sides. For sewing buffs, don't stitch this like a sewing machine, but all the way through to the other side each time. That way, if a stitch or two breaks, the whole thing won't be undone as quickly.

Square knot-
This is a pretty basic and easy knot that will work well to make sure your artificial sinew doesn't become untied once you are done stitching.

There are a ton of useful stitches to know in leather working, but these basic two will get you pretty far. If I were to suggest another stitch to learn, the baseball stitch can come in handy once in a while.

Important terms to know

Here are some important terms that are used in shoe making. Not a complete list, by any means, but enough to help you out a little as you read other blogs about shoe making.

Collar-the opening of the shoe, hole where your foot goes into the shoe
 
Uppers-the top half of the shoe

Insole- the part that touches the bottom of your foot, found on the inside of the shoe

Sole- the outside part that touches the ground

Toe box- the room for your toes at the end of the shoe, often there is a stiffer piece of leather inside to ensure that the toes have plenty of room

Heel-the part of the soles under the heel area that is thicker

Last- a form, often made of wood or plastic in the shape of a foot for making shoes

Quarters- the sides of the shoe, part of the uppers

Vamp- the top of the shoe, part of the uppers

Turn shoe- a shoe that is stitched inside out and is turned right side out later, common in Medieval Europe. 

Moccasin- a soft leather shoe without a heel, usually referring to any Native American shoe with a soft flexible sole

Hopefully this information is enough to get you started. If you have any questions, I would be happy to help! I am still learning so I may have to look somethig up, but feel free to ask!


Happy shoe making!!

28 September 2014

Be yourself: don't let others decide who you are

I remember when I was about 10 years old or so I was at a friend's sleepover party and a girl I had never met until that night told me at some point in the evening, 
When I first saw you, I thought you were a geek.
I didn't really think much of it and made a joke about how could I possibly be a geek, and that they wore big ugly glasses or something like that and continued on with the festivities.

Later my friend pulled me aside and told me,
I thought that was really mean what she said. About you being a geek. She can say mean things sometimes. 
She meant it as a really nice, sweet caring thing to say, to show that she was on my side.

But it was at that moment that I realized that I might not be ok just being me,that maybe people wouldn't like me if I was just me. Maybe that girl really did think I was a geek. Maybe she had intended to make fun of me. Maybe I was not good enough if I was just being myself. Maybe I was no good at all. This memory has stuck with me all these years and I can still picture it happening, how I was hiding behind the door giggling when this girl arrived, where I was in the house when my friend was telling me about what she thought about what that girl said. I think I lost some of myself that day. I lost my carefree freedom you feel as a child. I lost some of my essence. I had to be someone else. Someone better.

I want to claim this childhood innocence back. I want to be me again. I want to know that maybe as long as I aim to be a good, honest, trustworthy and honorable person, that I am ok just being me. If I stand up for what is right. It doesn't matter if I don't fit into the box people expect me to live inside of. I can't be perfect, no one can. But I can be me.

Something my grandma said to me last week really brought it together for me. She was saying how happy she was to see me and how she was sorry she wasn't so good at calling or texting or writing as she would like, and I said, "That's ok I'm not very good at that keeping in touch either."

And she said,
I know Amy, I know you. and thats ok, because we are together now and we can enjoy this time now and know we are thinking about each other and that we love each other no matter where we are or what we are up to.
And I think I have made a lot of people mad at me at various times because I am not very good about calling back or texting or emailing. I suck at it. I try, but it just isn't natural for me to keep up on stuff like that. I know its important, but I just can't do it consistently. But my grandma called me out on it and said, I know that you are no good at it, but I accept you anyways. Granted, it is probably easier for her to understand since she has the same struggle, but she accepts that that is who I am and that it doesn't mean I am a bad person, but just that I have a weakness and that is ok. It doesn't mean I don't still try to get better and keep up on it, just means I am not a complete failure just because I am not perfect.

If I do ever get around to writing a letter, I give it 110%. It is probably 3 pages long, and has cramped writing at the end to fit it all. If I do text someone, it means I am not in the middle of work or a conversation with someone else, and that I am committed to talking with the person I am texting for as long as I can.

But this is not about excuses or explanation, or justifications. And this isn't about my ability to write letters or make phone calls. It isn't about wearing the wrong outfit, being too shy at the party, or making a mistake at work. This is about every one of these fears I have had about what box people are putting me into since I was 10 years old and realized that boxes existed and that they weren't always good. Boxes that made me ugly, boring, stupid or incompetent.

This is about acceptance. If I forget and I mess up and I fail completely, the sun will still rise and set, and I am still me and that is ok. Maybe I am a geek. Maybe it doesn't matter. This is a box someone else is placing me into. They can try to put me there, but I can only be there in their mind. I can just hop out of the box and continue on my way, just being me. I have lived embarrassed and ashamed and fearful of others opinions for far too long. 

Living in other people's boxes, conforming to what they want you to be, is turning yourself into a robot. You are simply following programs others set out for you. You don't work well this way. You will either die and become a robot, or you will eat away at yourself until there is nothing left of you. You will grow to hate you. Whenever I fall into the trap of someone else's box, I don't feel good. I hate myself. I judge myself. I should have been better, I should have been smarter. I hurt myself and everyone around me when I get this way. I can't get better or change because I am fixated on my failure. Regain your identity.

STOP FEAR. BE YOU. You may surprise yourself.




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